


kiss the hydrangeas for me

by suheafoams



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Body Appreciation, Body Positivity, Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, THIGHS BABY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 02:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21263660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suheafoams/pseuds/suheafoams
Summary: Byeongkwan continues with, “When I think about you, I’m not thinking about your waist measurements, or how big your arm is, or how thick your thighs are.”His gaze travels downward, and he shakes his head, as if he’s changing his mind. “Scratch that. I totally think about how thick your thighs are because they’re really hot, but—” and that has Sehyoon coughing out a genuine laugh for the first time all day, because Byeongkwan’s compliments are so impulsive and straightforward that their authenticity is almost always guaranteed.That is, until he realizes the context of what Byeongkwan’s just said, with only the two of them to hear the words and no cameras to capture the fanservice.Oh.





	kiss the hydrangeas for me

**Author's Note:**

> wow @ myself, would u look at that. posting this many times in one year? unbelievable. its 3 am and i am crying over how beautiful wowkwan is 
> 
> fyi, this fic involves descriptions of slight body dysmorphia / body image problems but is mainly exploring body acceptance and self love. "toxic" thoughts in this fic will be quickly compensated with lots of "positive" thoughts! however, if reading about a character's negative perceptions about their body, however brief, will trigger you or cause you harm, then reconsider whether you want to read this. 
> 
> the opinions/ideas expressed in this are highly personal, and i'm not implying that the idols go through any of this irl. to me, sehyoon is gorgeous whether he's thin or his current thick wonderfulness. this is just. ~therapy~ indulgent fic for myself.
> 
> for my woochan readers, rest assured that i will continue writing woochan despite woojin leaving skz. (in case u dont follow my twitter.) im just taking a breather from skz fic and taking this opportunity to write more freely about whatever i want and have fun while doing so. 
> 
> otherwise, pls enjoy! ♥

It’s an off day. 

Sehyoon notices it as soon as he wakes up and walks by the full-length mirror in the hallway on his way to the bathroom. 

His hair’s a bird’s nest, but less laughable now that it’s back to black and not a radioactive shade of green, and the hole in his favorite sleep shirt has grown to the size of a quarter. 

That’s not what he’s focused on, though.

When Sehyoon looks at his reflection, he feels like his clothes are too small. Like his body has swelled up to an unimaginable size, taking up much more space than it deserves to. Like he’s an elephant attempting to squeeze into the narrow confines of a refrigerator. 

The logical part of him knows that it’s just his imagination. He’s maintained the same weight for the last half year, give or take a kilogram depending on their schedules, and it’s not his lowest or highest weight, so there’s no reason for him to be overthinking things. 

And despite knowing all of that, the irrational part of him loves to let the disdain for what he sees in the mirror pile on until he’s filled with nothing but hatred for the way he looks. The toxicity of such overwhelming thoughts has him wanting to tear at his skin some days, shave off the flesh that shouldn’t be there just so his mind can go radio silent and leave him the fuck alone for once. 

It used to be a lot worse. At his most extreme, he would repeatedly weigh himself, sometimes up to ten or twenty times a day. He would record videos of himself walking and standing from different angles to check whether his body was still under his control, and he would even take note of which mirrors in the dorm were most accurate. If he went out in public, he’d lament over whether the reflections in the glass windows of shops were a more flattering version of reality and how he actually looked like to other people. 

Narrowing his eyes, he shifts weight from one leg to the other and scrutinizes. 

_Legs too short, shoulder proportions wrong, neck short, back too thick, fingers stubby…_

The revulsion rises up like bile in his throat, his chest constricting, and he’s about to check whether he’s actually going to throw up before he’s interrupted by soft footsteps coming from his shared bedroom with Donghun. 

“Morning,” Donghun says, bumping Sehyoon on the hip and nearly missing because Sehyoon chooses that moment to shift away from the mirror. Fatigue curls adorably at the edge of Donghun’s voice, so he’s probably not awake enough to realize what Sehyoon was doing. “Why are you standing in the hallway?” 

“I’m going to pee.” 

“Okay,” Donghun says easily. He doesn’t catch the thin line of Sehyoon’s mouth pulled into an uncomfortable smile. “I’m going to drink some water.” 

As Donghun quietly shuffles away, Sehyoon takes a last look at the mirror before running his hand through his hair and heading to the bathroom for real. 

❀✿❀

The problem with agonizing over body image is that it often makes a nasty side of Sehyoon come out. A side of him that likes to run wild by pinning blame and redirecting anger in completely unreasonable ways, ultimately making him feel uncomfortable later when he finally snaps out of the vicious cycle of self-destructive thinking and calms down. 

Everyone else in the group manages their weight to some extent, just not in the same way as Sehyoon has to. The reality of being an idol and yet only human means that weight and body management is required, even if you have the fastest of metabolisms. 

Despite that knowledge, the stranger inside him rejects it and still wants to lash out at anyone who’s got a leaner, longer, taller build than him. Forces him to spend hours obsessing about whether it’s his ribcage or some other genetic reason that his torso doesn’t get smaller even at his lowest weight, or why his weight always goes to his thighs first when other people don’t have that problem. 

In these moments, he walks a thin line between unhealthy avoidance and compulsive observation of each of his members. He claws desperately at physical details about them to inevitably make himself feel worse, while his brain tries to knock some sense into itself and tell him to stop comparing himself to other people because it only hurts him. 

Yuchan, with his ungodly metabolism and ability to ingest the most fattening of foods without ever seeing it get distributed to his body. Byeongkwan, with a knack for having any gained weight distribute evenly and perfectly without disturbing his body line. Donghun, who’s been thin from the day Sehyoon met him and struggles to put on weight, losing any excess weight under the slightest stress. Junhee, who exercises as long as he has free time even if it means he loses out on an opportunity to sleep and naturally has a sharp jaw because of his bone structure. 

All of it makes Sehyoon horribly agitated. 

He’s somewhat passively trying not to think about any of this as they get ready to start their v-live broadcast. _Passively_ is the key word, because he still can’t help feeling annoyed when Byeongkwan plops down next to him, impossibly long legs bumping into Sehyoon’s and making Sehyoon want to curl in on himself. It’s not Byeongkwan’s fault Sehyoon can’t manage his own feelings, so he resolutely bites down on the sensation of frustration before it manifests itself through an involuntary glare. 

To distract himself, he settles for picking at a stray thread in his jeans. This pair feels a little too tight, but Sehyoon isn’t sure whether that’s because they’re really too small, or the poisonous thoughts of doubt are just playing mind tricks on him by pretending to take on a physical form. 

Byeongkwan is touchy as per usual during the broadcast and grows increasingly handsy when he notices Sehyoon isn’t in the best mood. Sehyoon’s used to the physical contact, even if it’s the exaggerated version they need to shell out onstage and on camera, but it’s hard to reciprocate when all he wants to do is brush Byeongkwan off and have his personal space not be invaded by someone who’s inadvertently upsetting him just by sitting there. 

Then he messes up. 

Forgetting to watch himself, he scrunches his nose and pushes Byeongkwan away when Byeongkwan tries to fake kiss him. The push is light and no one comments on it, the other three members choosing to focus on fan questions coming in on the side, and Sehyoon is left to try and ignore the kicked puppy look Byeongkwan gives him as a result of his dismissiveness. 

❀✿❀

Later, the five of them go out for dinner at a nearby family restaurant they frequent every other week. Sehyoon picks at his food most of the time and hopes that no one is paying attention to the lingering signs of him reverting back to the unsustainable diet habits he’d resorted to before their debut. 

Sehyoon is miserable whenever he gets like this. Insecurities are normal, but he’s not sure if it’s normal that he envisions his fingers swelling up until they’re too large for his hand, dragging the rest of his body down from their sheer size and weight. Wonders if there’s ever going to be a day where he looks at his thighs and doesn’t imagine them spreading indefinitely into a vast mass of unwanted real estate. 

After they finish eating and pay their bill, they linger at the front of the restaurant, undecided about how to spend the rest of their evening. Yuchan, Donghun, and Junhee quickly decide to go see a movie, since they have a rare morning off tomorrow and their scheduled events start in the afternoon. Sehyoon uses the excuse of wanting to sleep to beg out of the movie, and Byeongkwan follows in similar fashion without the three other boys putting up much of a fight. Although the five of them are close, Sehyoon and Byeongkwan are particularly close, and the boys have long accepted that as the nature of their group’s dynamic. 

As soon as they get home, Sehyoon takes off his makeup in front of the bathroom mirror, reveling at how well his cheek acne was covered throughout the whole day. Their makeup artist had mildly scolded him for ruining his skin for no reason, because she knew that the breakouts weren’t uncontrollable, he just tended to pick at his face out of anxiety. 

Byeongkwan’s gaze is careful as he watches Sehyoon from the doorway. He’s got an opinion on…something, but hasn’t decided how to voice it yet. 

“Are you just going to keep staring at me like that?” Sehyoon asks, when Byeongkwan does the exact same thing and stands at the doorway of Sehyoon’s room while Sehyoon changes into home clothes. He feels slightly more at peace when his limbs are swallowed by loose black fabric, but he’s well aware that it’s a coping mechanism and not a genuine feeling of relief. 

Byeongkwan pouts and steps inside the room. “I don’t know if you’re mad at me.” 

“No,” Sehyoon says, taking his phone with him into bed. “I’m definitely not mad at you.” 

“So I can get close to you?” 

“Well,” Sehyoon says, but Byeongkwan is already crawling into bed with him without bothering to wait for an answer. He takes Sehyoon’s left hand into his own, tracing over the lines in Sehyoon’s palm with his thumb, scanning Sehyoon’s screen lazily to see whether Sehyoon is scrolling through anything interesting. 

It isn’t long before he finally gets to the point and asks Sehyoon, “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing,” Sehyoon says. 

Byeongkwan instantly sees through the lie, raising an eyebrow. “There’s something upsetting you. What is it?” 

“I don’t know,” Sehyoon says. 

“You know,” Byeongkwan says, and it’s almost frustrating, how well Byeongkwan understands Sehyoon’s retreating behavior in conversation as soon as he observes it happening. “You’re amazingly aware of your own feelings, it’s just that you don’t want to talk about it.” 

Sehyoon licks his lips, offering no verbal reply. 

“Bingo?” 

“I guess,” Sehyoon says. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to talk about it.” He leans back and braces himself when Byeongkwan manages to get even closer to him, pretty much resting his entire body weight against Sehyoon’s shoulder. 

Byeongkwan blinks cutely, and Sehyoon flares his nostrils in annoyance at how easy it is for Byeongkwan to worm his way into getting what he wants from Sehyoon. “How am I going to make you feel better if you don’t tell me what’s making you feel sad?” Byeongkwan asks. 

“It would probably sound stupid if I tried to talk it out,” Sehyoon responds. 

“No way,” Byeongkwan says. “You never say anything stupid.” A pause, and Sehyoon holds back the urge to roll his eyes because he knows exactly what that pause means. “Well, you do, but not stuff like this.”

“Thank you for the clarification that I do sometimes say stupid shit,,” Sehyoon jokes, and Byeongkwan snuggles into him in an implied request for forgiveness. 

“I _mean_, whatever’s upsetting you is a valid concern and would never be stupid to me no matter how bad you think you’re wording it,” Byeongkwan says. 

As much as Sehyoon hates himself on days like this, he’s clear minded enough to know that there are plenty of people who love him unconditionally, and Byeongkwan is one of them, especially good at regularly making sure Sehyoon’s doing okay emotionally and feeling good about himself. 

Sehyoon sighs. “Just body image stuff,” he says. 

“Oh,” Byeongkwan says. They’ve had past conversations about this, where Sehyoon’s briefly explained the types of thoughts that go through his head when he’s having a very difficult self-appreciation day. 

At first, Sehyoon thinks that Byeongkwan’s waiting for him to say more, but then Byeongkwan breaks the moment by blurting out, “But you’re beautiful. And good looking. And hot. Like. BBQ hot.” 

Byeongkwan is tactful when he needs to be, but his train of thought whenever he speaks is not so much a train as it is a scattering of dots on a map where there is no destination set in stone. In that way, he’s more carefree than Sehyoon, who goofs off on the surface but mulls over his personal thoughts and rarely ever displays his process of thinking unless it’s required for their work. 

“I have no idea what to say to that,” Sehyoon says. 

“Accept it!” Byeongkwan says. “What else would you do?” 

“You’re my best friend,” Sehyoon says. “You’re biased when you say I’m attractive. Friendship is skewing your objective point of view.” 

“So you’re saying that the opinion of someone who knows how great your personality is and sees that shine through your physical features has less weight than what some passerby thinks about your body in the one second that they look at you?” 

Sehyoon licks his lips. 

“It’s not that a stranger’s opinion holds more weight,” Sehyoon says, eventually. “It’s just that first impressions stick, and I hate the possibility that someone’s lasting memory of me is that I’m not…ideal enough for them to reach out to. Like how people sugarcoat things by telling other people they’re attractive but in reality they wouldn’t ever consider falling in love with them. Not that humans are supposed to even need romantic love or validation that they’re sexually desirable, but…” 

“Not everyone’s like that,” Byeongkwan says seriously, voice lower than before. His hair is tickling Sehyoon’s cheek and he’s gone back to playing with the palm of Sehyoon’s hands instead of making eye contact. 

“I know,” Sehyoon says, not particularly paying attention to Byeongkwan’s odd tone of voice. “It’s just a deep-rooted personal problem driven by an underlying fear of being unlovable because I’m not at the ideal weight for society—” 

“I’m not like that,” Byeongkwan says, voice still the same sort of odd, and Sehyoon discards the rest of his thought in favor of paying attention to what is making Byeongkwan sound so weird. 

“I know you’re not,” Sehyoon says. 

“No, like _really_,” Byeongkwan says. He finally raises his head to make eye contact with Sehyoon, and his face is filled with something unidentifiable. 

Sehyoon feels like he’s back in school and staring at gibberish on a test that he’d love to be able to solve but is absolutely incapable of. “Yes? I agree.” 

Byeongkwan continues with, “When I think about you, I’m not thinking about your waist measurement, or how big your arm is, or how thick your thighs are.” 

Well, it’s nice that other people aren’t as compulsively judgmental about bodies as Sehyoon is, but he’s still not sure what point Byeongkwan’s trying to get at. 

Byeongkwan’s gaze travels downward, and he shakes his head, as if he’s changing his mind. “Scratch that. I totally think about how thick your thighs are because they’re really hot, but—” and that has Sehyoon coughing out a genuine laugh for the first time all day, because Byeongkwan’s compliments are so impulsive and straightforward that their authenticity is almost always guaranteed. 

That is, until he realizes the context of what Byeongkwan’s just said, with only the two of them to hear the words and no cameras to capture the fanservice.

_Oh. _

Sehyoon’s never really allowed himself to linger too much on his barely there, always simmering attraction to Byeongkwan. It’s not like it’s out of the blue, since Byeongkwan is handsome and talented and unconventionally ~quirky~ in the sort of way that makes it much too easy for people to fall for him. He wears nail polish without worrying about what anyone else thinks, takes pictures whenever he spots his mom’s favorite flower so he can send them to her, and plays with makeup for fun (which is an admirable effort, even if it sometimes leads to Sehyoon being used as a test subject). 

It was also normal, for young teenage boys to grow attached to whoever was closest to them, and sometimes that closeness led to ambiguous feelings bordering on romantic or sexual. Sehyoon always just accepted those feelings as normal without ever bothering to explore them further, or ever analyzing why he sometimes still feels his heartrate speed up when Byeongkwan gets too close during a stage performance or tries to make heart eyes at him on a livestream. Sehyoon’s always been busy trying to jump start his career in music for years on end, and he’s never been interested in pursuing temporary flings just to curb some loneliness. 

And it’s not like he was ever really lonely, with Byeongkwan around, who was honestly as good as Sehyoon’s other half.

Sehyoon sits on that thought for a second. _Other half… _

Oh no. 

Suddenly, he’s all too aware of the way Byeongkwan’s body heat bleeds into him and makes it difficult to discern who’s giving or taking. He’s half listening, half panicking as Byeongkwan continues where he left off. “I don’t really care about the things you feel like people might focus on. I think about the way you laugh super softly and how young it makes you look, and how you stop paying attention to your facial expressions when you’re really comfortable in front of someone. I think about all the times you made me laugh until my stomach hurt, and all of the adventures we’ve had by sneaking out when we couldn’t sleep or chose not to.” 

“I…” 

Byeongkwan cups Sehyoon’s cheeks with his hands. 

“More importantly, I think about how you make me feel,” Byeongkwan says. 

Their foreheads are touching now, and Sehyoon is thoroughly overwhelmed. Byeongkwan goes on to say, “I think about how nice you smell, and how warm you are, and all the ways I can read your body language even if you’re not saying anything out loud. I think about kissing you, even though I maybe shouldn’t, and about dragging my teeth across your throat.” 

“Byeongkwan,” Sehyoon says, flustered, and Byeongkwan laughs. 

“Sorry,” Byeongkwan says. “Was that too much?”

“Way too much,” Sehyoon says, only half meaning it, and Byeongkwan tilts his head, deliberating over something. 

“I like your eyes, the shape, the color, the thoughts in them. Everything. I adore the slope of the line of your neck to your shoulders and back, and also the way your legs look in any pair of jeans is just...yeah.” Byeongkwan laughs nervously and shifts a bit next to Sehyoon, and Sehyoon bites his lip. He hadn’t realized it was possible for someone to view his body as something pleasant when he spent so much of his mental energy picking it apart. 

“Despite all that, in terms of your body, I prioritize your health. You were forcing yourself on a ridiculous diet and exercise regime for ‘Cactus’ promotions, which hurt me to watch you go through,” Byeongkwan says. “You were doing something similar for 'Take Me Higher,' too, which I didn't particularly agree with. At the end of the day I like you however you like yourself, whether that’s thinner or thicker, but I love it best when you’re loving yourself properly.” 

That’s...

Sehyoon shudders at the raw honesty of Byeongkwan’s last sentence. 

The thing about body image is that it’s never about what you look like, but the way you perceive yourself. Reassurance doesn’t come in the form of someone else telling you that your weight is fine or that you’re good looking enough, but in another person indicating that how you choose to treat your body doesn’t matter as long as you really love and care about yourself. 

Sometimes Sehyoon’s terrified to share who he is, but it’s never scary if he’s sharing who he is with Byeongkwan, who treats every single thing Sehyoon divulges about himself like they’re precious gifts, not the puzzle pieces to a riddle he wants to solve. 

The path to not hating himself is a personal one, and it’s going to take Sehyoon and Sehyoon only to break himself out of the self-destructive mindset he’s prone to falling back into. It does help, though, that he doesn’t have to suffer alone, because the man staring at him right now often understands him better than Sehyoon understands himself. 

“You’re so good at this,” Sehyoon says. 

Byeongkwan’s eyes are wide and bright as he smiles at Sehyoon. “At what?”

“At… seeing me,” Sehyoon finally says, when he gives up trying to find a better word. “I’m so grateful to have met you.” 

“Me too, I'm so glad I met you,” Byeongkwan says, and he carefully, gently places his hands on Sehyoon’s thighs. “Can I please kiss you?” 

“Yeah,” Sehyoon says, laughing, but it’s swallowed right up when Byeongkwan, exuberant and impatient and so, so lovely, kisses him on the mouth. 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this was an interesting read! idk if anyone's going to read this but. LMAO if u did, thank you! it's terrifying for me to post fic in new fandom since my fics tend to die in oblivion 
> 
> fun fact about title: hydrangeas (in japanese culture) represent heartfelt emotion and gratitude for understanding. thought that was fitting, so i incorporated it into the title. 
> 
> as of 11/3/19: i have another a.c.e wowkwan fic u should go check out!! 🥳
> 
> if u enjoyed it, pls leave comment. tiny comment. for author's health and well being. ♥♥♥
> 
> feel free to reach out to me on twitter! same handle @ suheafoams. i love to chat.


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